Жизнь за открытой дверью (ttoommaa) wrote,
Жизнь за открытой дверью
ttoommaa

Rules for being a Russian in NYC

Правила для большинства средне-стандартных детей эмигрантов в районе 18-25 лет. Привет, Брайтон!


* Wear Armani Exchange.
* When talking to Russian friends, make sure to speak mostly English but then add random Russian words into the middle of your sentences. Something like "Can you pass the kartoshka?
* Drive a Nissan Maxima.
* Make sure all of your friends know what "Yob tvayu mat" means.
* You shop on Brighton Beach with food stamps while wearing your shuba and driving your Mercedes.
* Get a new cell phone at least once every 6 months
* Never spend more than $50 on sneakers.
* Have a $50 bottle of cologne with you at any moment.
* Always drink at any gathering of any kind.
* Never buy anything costing more than $1000 from a non-Russian.
* Make sure your job somehow involves computer programming, unless you are in medicine.
* Yell. Even if you're having a quiet conversation, talk as loudly aspossible.
* Whenever you cross any border, make sure to stop by the duty free and buy as many bottles of cheap liquor and economy packs of Marlboro as you possibly can.
* Order the same exact meal every time you order Chinese takeout.
* Know at least 10 people names "Sasha". Male or female.
* Make sure that you have been to Niagara Falls on a Russian tour bus at least 5 times.
* Meet with your grandparents at least once a week.
* You MUST have been to Brighton beach.
* Get a Bally Total Fitness membership just to use the steam room.
* End as many sentences as possible with "blayt" "nahuy" or "tvoyu mat"
* You go get your hair/manicure/ pedicure done at a Russian lady's house/apt/basement.
* all of your grandparents friends are convinced you remember them, meanwhile they tell you: "ya pomnu kogda ti bila tokaya Malinkaya" while showing you with their hand
* When having guests over for a meal, put every food item you own out on the table
* Cant go outside with wet hair or after u sweat a lot.
* drink a lot of tea. it cures everything. to the tea add lemon and raspberry jam cuz THAT will cure anything. and don't walk around the house with only a t-shirt on when you're sick. make sure to have as many sweatshirts on instead. and multitudes of blankets when you sleep. and don't forget the alcohol rub of the feet for extra good luck
* a) when you go on a long trip somewhere, everyone has to sit down for a few minutes or else you will have bad luck.
b)cant open umbrellas in the house or whistle in the house
c)you shouldn't talk about something good happening before it does, if you do you say "tfu, tfu, tfu" like your spitting over your left shoulder. you cant buy baby stuff before the baby is born, that's bad luck.
d) sitting on cold surfaces makes you infertile
* all Russian last names ending in -sky are Jewish
* You come home at 3am and your parents are still out partying with all your friend's parents
* People are always asking you if you can get them a cheep deal on something... and you can
* You can't go to the movies on Sunday night without having to save 20 seats for your late friends cuz they're buying semichki
* You know someone who works at a dental lab
* You have been kicked out of the JCC at least twice for trying to sneak in without paying.
* You know more than 30 Olgas, Annas, Natashas, and Vikas
* every time u mention a new person you're hanging out with, the parents ask you what they do for a living, what their parents do and what their plans for the future are...which you most of the time don't know.
* The first question your parents ask about a new girl you're dating is whether she is Jewish or not.
* You must wear tapki at your house, and must keep extra pairs for guests.
* Your grandparents have rugs on their walls.
Tags: приколы
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